The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
