He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
