i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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