I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize