Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
