ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
