I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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