everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
