drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Randomize
