my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
