she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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