if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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