Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
my shit smells like andre
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
