I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My bed smells like the plague
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
