why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
