Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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