NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
