Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
