apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
