I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
