Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
