life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
