Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
sarcasm needs its own font
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
