guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
