idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
