I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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