Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
