how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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