i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
