I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
