i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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