I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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