I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
