Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
