When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
