I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
