Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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