If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm always down for nudity.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
