I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
