Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
