did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize