He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
