i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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