I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize