its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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