I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
