Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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