I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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