his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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