Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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