I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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