Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
