The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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