went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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