rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
