guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
