You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize