Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
