Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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