Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
